my blonde world

got jesus?

2010-07-29T23:28:00Z

i rode my bike past a car today with a bumper sticker that said: "got jesus?"

what do you mean "got jesus?"??? like in my bedroom closet? do you have him? is this a trick question?

who's got the funk

2010-03-01T02:52:00Z

the last few weeks ive had clothes literally draped everywhere, including and not limited to my couch, tv and over flowing dresser drawers by shoving things in... my. kitchen. did. not. smell. good. after a mood boosting 20 mile bike ride gave me the motivation to get to cleaning, and more realistally and honestly, ive run out of candles in my sad attempt in masking the stench from the sink. both sides of my barbie-sink were and have been full... and when i ran my water to begin cleaning. the sinks filled up and the smell became more alive. or dead, whichever way you want to look at it. this was a serious task underway. i got through as many dishes as i could before finally finding (read: shoving) a new not so permanent home for the dishes to the temporarily reside. my apron is on, a lemon to help make my life cleaner smelling again and a god-bless the garbage disposal later, my sink is now un-grossed. i must admit, i was a little scared to "get in there", i kinda thought a family may have been growing in there.

sur-prize

2010-02-22T04:40:00Z

while clicking through and watching tv online, all of a sudden a window popped up saying i won a $1000 best buy gift card. how awesome!!! i could get tivo, but i dont have tv reception, video game stuff, but i dont play video games, cable? ....well something great, surely! i click to receive my gift when i notice the rules a little too late (story of my life!). ive just been qualified for 3 new credit cards, a columba house and bmg membership, a case of wine and a new car. uhm, im not really sure how im going to pay for all of this. OH! i know! my new credit cards-YAY! wait. more importantly, i hope the car is a volvo.

lesson learned here?: read small print before entering your social security number to redeem winning prize.

Porky Peterson

2010-02-10T15:03:00Z

I'm not a big news person per se, but this morning while perusing facebook over my morning coffee were friends' statuses from chicago mentioning an earthquake there. Totally shocked, I clicked to my Chicago Tribune app on my iPod and scrolled through the 'top stories' when I read, one right after the next: "controversy surrounds Drew Peterson hearsay..." "plenty of pork in"

bunnies and puppies and coffee, oh my!

2010-02-09T17:11:00Z

Glancing up while enjoying my morning coffee I see my wacky neighbors' bunny on the deck above. I look to see if perhaps they've got chicken wire along the bottom of the opening--nope. In a greater effort in saving the bunnys life and myself from watching it leap over the edge to it's demise, I knock on their door. Weird & pervy dad comes down and opens the door as I struggle to come up with the word balcony as opposed to deck. I tell him the bunnys up there and I'm sure he's going to jump. He not-so-shockingly disagrees. And, between you and I, if I were that bunny, living in that household, I'd absolutely jump. He reassures me he'll "keep an eye on 'm". Something tells me he won't. As I offer up my only bunny advice I know to be absolutely true about bunny molars needing to be shaved down regularly by a vet, otherwise their little bunny mouths get sore and they can't eat (that's how we lost Newton, God rest her soul) and eventually starve to death, his ill behaved lab, JoJo, runs out of the house and goes totally ape-shit banshee all over the yard, including, but not limited to, lapping up my morning coffee. Utterly disgusted I sweetly say, "oh no! Not my coffee!!" but, it's too late. I now MUST pour it out and re-make more, I've only had a sip. I leave my dipshit neighbor with his ill mannered dog, daughter, and suicidal bunny to their own devices to make yet, another pot of coffee. Heading inside, i hear him furiously trying to coerce the dog into the house while tempting him with a walk while holding the choke chain. Sadly, the dog outsmarts it's owner, again, and continues romping about. Meanwhile, my coffee grounds I've been collecting in a big glass jar for exfoliating, has begun growing little mold spores. Back to the fresh air with my coffee, waiting for the bunny to jump or be scooped up by a bird thrice it's size. Happy Tuesday.

morning err

2010-02-03T17:22:00Z

there are two mistakes ive made this morning.

1. working out to work out. especially this 2 block stretch that makes me want to cry and go back to bed. one point against not owning a car.

2. thinking my cinnamon puffins cereal would be delicious with blueberry yogurt. what was i thinking?!?! YUCK!

two pieces of chocolate later, i feel like all is right with the world. soon, true bliss will arrive that came at the low-low price of $4.35. my heart belongs to iced soy chai's. amen.

nutella,

2010-01-19T04:13:00Z

i cant seem to find a single place to buy a jar of nutella, which may be a sign all of its own. i googled it and landed on the nutella website, which has a case of nutella one can enter to win. im entering, of course. im at work and bored out of my mind. and of course bc i dont need an entire case, or even want it, surely i will win it and become obesely fat.

in entering, there's a silly little questionnaire dreamt up from their marketing team, here's a sample:

*What is your favorite way to eat Nutella®? a. on bread, b. in a bagel, c. on crackers d. on breadsticks e. by itself

*When do you most often eat Nutella®? a. breakfast b. lunch c. after lunch snack d. after dinner snack e. other

i wish it had a fill in the blank instead of "other" and "by itself" with results shown, because frankly, i'd like a more accurate count in knowing, exactly what others lke to put their nutella on and when they eat it. lets play "what should we do with nutella?" midnight snack on your finger, post bong hit snack on the lazy boy with nutella in between your partners' toes, or your dogs ear at sunday brunch-time, or my favorite, as frosting on my hash brownies.

There's so many more options than the ones "the man" gives you. Damn corporate America, damn you.

celebrity crush

2010-01-16T01:40:00Z

Someone today mentioned Lenny Kravitz. Okay, maybe it was me.

There's an episode of Californication in Season 2 where this woman thinks she may be pregnant with Hank (David Duchovny)'s baby from their one night stand. After some anticipation she finally gives birth to a mixed baby, and since both characters/people are clearly caucasian she then remembers "that one barista at Starbucks who looked like Lenny Kravitz"- and I can completely relate.

I imagine if I ever met my celebrity crush my panties would magically disappear, as the only words that would manage to get out of my mouth would be, "Hello, Yes, and I'm ready."

january gloom

2010-01-13T18:50:00Z

Note to self:

A rainy, and otherwise gloomy day in Santa Monica and the emo-lovely Coldplay streams should never be crossed.

Dear John...

2010-01-13T18:08:00Z

So while attempting to find the trailer for the new movie, 'Dear John', I found a break-up letter generator, kinda like mad-libs meets break up letters- it was really fun and while I'm not at all breaking up with anyone, nor have I in forever, here's one I know, in my University days, would've come in handy for my girlfriends and me.

Dear John,I'm terribly sorry I had to do this through a letter, this will make us both a lot better off, well me at least.. This note will be the last memory you'll ever have of me, Im done with you because I decided to be with your best friend, my bad.. Don't let it get you all upset inside, It was completely your fault, no doubt about it. It is because of your inability to quit picking your nose problems that keep me from being even remotely interested in continuing this relationship with you.You'd be much better off finding a person that can deal with fun way you leave your snot rags on the table. I might miss certain things about you such as the time you came to my house and stunk the bathroom up I'm glad this is done and we're going separate directions for good. I think you'll find someone to have an unhealthy relationship based on physical attraction. And hopefully we will be incredibly far away.Good riddance,Christina

So fun!!! Try!

http://www.dearjohn.com/

beverly hills part 2

2010-01-12T05:47:00Z

I do feel so pretty walking through Beverly Hills and am quickly considering coming far more often especially when in need of a pick me up. Everything from drug stores to panty stores and restaurants alike have valet. Certainly by far the most valet per store in any city I've ever seen before in my life. I kind of feel like a super model-celebrity/beauty pageant queen in Texas walking a red carpet. The valet stare and ogle at my literally effortless ability to go from plain jane to pageant queen (in their eyes, p.s.).

Note to self: if ever single, no boyfriend again, consider relocating to Mexico city.

beverly hills

2009-12-28T02:30:00Z

Walking into Victoria's Secret, to peruse the latest panty selection, I see two men. This is somewhat alarming, as this makes me want to almost immediately turn and walk straight out. I mean, assuming I do in fact wear panties and other undergarments, at some point I need (read: need vs want game) to add to/replenish said "collection", as most all women do. But-but...there are MEN here. Note: It's a very similar blood-rushing to the head & turning red feeling like when getting toilet paper, tampons, etc... Of course I need these things but I definitely feel like I'm parading around with said items with a spotlight, like a circus act. but imagine they may be feeling just as, if not more, awkward. I mean, in their own heads, one picking out panties for hopefully and presumably his gf (as opposed to unlikely option number 1. His sister, option: 2. His mother, or option: 3. A girl he wants to desperately make his gf and to no avail, this will inevitably not do the trick) and the friend, wingman, who now knows and will inevitably picture his friends' girlfriend in said undergarments. And if I buy anything surely they will take note and picture me in said items. I quickly begin to feel dirty, used and like a worker come actress, in the beginning of a video conveniently found in the curtained off section at blockbuster to those over 18 years of age, directed by a Victoria's Secret stock boy whose 45 and in film school. Something's gone terribly wrong here (and by here, i mean my brain) and after more awkwardness creeps into my every last being, I make my exit whilst biting my bottom lip in a greater effort to avoid the uncomfortable laughing fit aching to escape.

blonde things

2009-11-27T20:00:00Z

my very good friend from what seems like another life just moved to town. the other side of town, but to town, noneandnevertheless... neither of us own nor need a car, we both walk to work, so the past few weeks of desperately trying to get together have been sad and failed attempts. over the course of missing each other we caught up on the telephone. reminiscing over old times got me overly excited over seeing my long lost favorite mexican. this last weekend he rented a car while more spanish speaking friends and family came to visit him. he picked me up. the games began from the moment he grabbed me as we re-affirmed each others' alarming ability to stay as vivaciously attractive since years past, regardless of facebook photos as our best abllity to stay in touch from afar... until now. amongst spanish speaking buddies crashing to his way-fat weho pad was a designer and chef from CAYnKOOOn-mAY-HEE-KO. this day was for feasting and fireworks (read: feasting and drinking. heavily.). feast from the cancuninan and fireworks from the grove as part of the treelighting celebration. more spanish speakers came. "bueno, bueno, jajajaja. blahblahblah jajajajaa" my wine pourer never stopped pouring wine. the "best bartender-ever" award goes to my friend from the other life - at one point i had to pour myself water as i realized 3 glasses in, or what seemed like 3, i was never empty, (note: a good bartender will never let you go thirsty. never.) i was dehydrated, and the alcoholic grape juice was shockingly im sure, not quenching my thirst. before i knew it i felt like i was in cabo. ive never been but imagine being surrounded by mexican spanish speakers who were not hollering for me to take off my shirt or performing the all-famously rumored lewd acts with barnyard animals just across the border - had a simiar feel. they were bilingual. i imagine too if i could properly speak another language aside from, well, obscenities, i too would, if with native tongue speakers such as myself, revert back, and feel sorry for/pity the fool/make fun of endlessly, the opposite speaking nitwit to my right.

to the fireworks we go. too many people. too many people. too may people. note to self: dont go to to grove for fireworks next year. this is not a 'walking city". shame as it is. back to the house, drinking, cooking, munching, and drinking continue.

"hahaha. whats funny?"

"hahahaha - whatd i miss there?"

"hahahaha whaaaat?"

i have a very good girlfriend who has what im convinced of is a magic power to not talk when drunk. its true. the more she drinks the quieter she gets. why god, why havent i been blessed with that gift???

they explain what i believe to be was a re-cap of said joke. i feel better and more involved. my french class got me no where. of course if i moved to paris it may have. california. they speak a lot of spanish here. youd think after 6 years i may have taken a spanish class. well thats silly. how was i to know i wouldnt be living in ay paris already. part time. or something. ya know? right?

monday morning: one never quite plans on drinking to excess on a sunday night. i dont at least. damnit. damn the hangover that is or was. damnit all. id only gotten sick at work once from a hangover and thats when i was 19. im not 19 anymore. but i feel like im 17 if thats any consolation?

fly me to the moon

2009-11-19T17:31:00Z

how in gods name can i fly cheaper to paris from los angeles than chicagp?

anyone? anyone?

food poisoning pluses

2009-10-29T19:00:00Z

i lost 4#'s

it makes me want to like vomiting to become a skinny-minnie bulimic

i lost 4#'s

i ate chocolate the day before and now am afraid to eat it again.

i lost 4#'s

yay!

sharing & caring

2009-10-19T00:16:00Z

when my mom re-married we moved from our little apartment in the civilized world with all my friends to a "township" where we lived in a ranch-style house on five, lush and terribly boring acres. our neighbor lived on identical landscape, for he and the guy who lived in our house were best friends and bought the land together...sadly, the best friend died from the house we moved in, which left us, as his neighbors. across the street was a forrest preserve and every day of my life i felt like i was living in a horror film just waiting to be sliced, diced and other wise completely mamed. note: i have never watched more scary movies in that time of my life, i barely slept, lived in fear for my life from my moms husband (read: stepfather, note to the second power: stepfathers in slasher flicks also "do in" the bratty stepdaughter & i used to sleep with the dresser in front of my drawer if the weather smelled like fear, and certainly the two long years we lived in that house, it did. p.s. i also had an escape plan). not to mention, michael meyers, freddy krueger and numerous b flick killers who liked to gruesomely murder 14 year old girls in the shower, while they sleep, and wait for the bus, all were definitely in my neighboring forrest...

freshman year was a deadly, yet beautifully picturesque chicago winter and i had caught a nasty cold virus... normally one would stay home with such 'yuckiness' but i had been invited to a party. my very.first.one. instead of staying home from school and missing out on said party, i spent most of the day in the nurses office and after school, as always, mom didnt want me going out. not just because i was sick, no! that was her big excuse. i was growing up and doing things and she wanted to keep me in. seemingly, for the rest of my life since, i would forever be hearing how i should stay home. with her. i wasnt having it. not at all and not one bit. i suffered through school to earn this night out and nothing could stop me. i go to the party, which by the way was utterly shocked it wasnt anyones birthday!, with junior high friend jamie and we may have been or it at least seemed like, we were the only girls there... not to mention with a bunch of seniors... boy was it cool... i was sick. i was awe struck. i didnt speak to anyone. the cold was really beginning to take over. not to mention, i was exhausted, i never stayed up that late and usually fell asleep in the saturday night live opening monologue, if i even lasted that long!

the best way i know how to make the very best of any situation be it school, work or party, espeically in an uncomfortable or boring environment, i look around and pick a boy i think is the cutest in the room and focus on him. entirely. and while looking like i have a serious staring and or stalking problem, (most likely the latter) i manage to get hit on by the guy i am not attracted to at all , which means the one i like isnt interested or now thinks i am uninterested becasue of said distractng boy blabbing, or, my favorite and yours, the party-love triangle the guy who htinks my girl friend i came with to the party is pretty... at this point i sigh deeply inside by being taken away from my favorite pasttime ever- boy-scouting. a sport i feel ive perfected over the years and enjoy more than sex itself.

there was beer. pot, speed, and acid. thats what i knew of anyway. at one point someone asked what i was on since i wasnt talking. i told 'm i was sick and his response, which was more of an announcement: "dont share your bowl with this girl, shes sick" sweetly i smiled and shook my head no in agreement with his announcement, as i silently thought to myself, 'ew!! why would i want to share a bowl of soup or cereal with YOU? not to mention - i dont even know you!' there were people playing pool, someone playing the star splangled banner on electric guitar, people going on the deck smoking pot & cigarettes, with right next to that was another cherry popped: faces of death, seemingly on auto-replay all night on one of tv's. awesome. exactly what my head needed.

i later discovered, the chosen one, the boy i "picked" was the speed freak, and was clearly uninterested, as my friend furiously made out with him one party and more later in which i was not in attendace to, i eventually figured out what kind of bowl i wasnt supposed to be sharing with anyone. and i wasnt invited to a party like that until i started lying to my mom about what i was doing. her cool-mom act only worked once. after she called everyone's parents, if you asked her what i did for fun as a teenager it was being a super-star bowler. p.s. i dont like bowling so much. i never did.

after-school special

2009-10-14T19:52:00Z

the first time i saw a penis belonged to brian f. at the time i had a crush on him and to this day i still have no idea how i ended up in that bathroom at my friends'' new years eve party with him, but i did... and what seemed sudden and out of the blue, he unzipped his pants to show me his weiner. i sat and stared for what seemed like forever, it was as though i had just seen a car crash with peoples' heads having just gotten decaptiated before my very eyes- that was the utter shock i was experiencing. so many racing thoughts: how do you have sex?! how do you have a baby!?!?! OH MY GOD i never want to have sex, ever. this was also the first time i had drank alcohol. and with a huge smile on his face and bud light bottle in hand with it all hanging out he said, "i showed you mine, now you show me yours!" it was like a bad after school special and had been quite sheltered. i was 16. sitting in this bathroom, so small, not even a shower, it truly just had a toilet and sink, terrified of being "date" raped from my "friend" just like mom warned me of all those years. without skipping a beat i got up, unlocked the door and flew out of there. his drunken bobble head followed where i was going with a very confused look on his face as i ran. i ran for safety.

did i mention this was the first time i'd drank alcohol. jack daniels down home punch country coolers. and i was drunk.

p.s.

2009-10-14T19:50:00Z

p.s. why would anyone want the conference room for only 5 minutes?

UPDATE: here are some fun, dreamt up ideas:

*getting a divorce

*leaving the company

*phone sex

*starting a new company

*out of the country adoption

*making rendez-vous with another woman

*madoff investment

lifesavers

2009-10-14T18:50:00Z

i receive what seems like daily emails from oprah and her team of people with tips, tales and questions answered - this mornings: "what your symptoms mean & when to go to the hospital"... i never can resist a good health & symptom article! (read: hypochondriac)

i always pay attention to the heart causing it to beat like a drum (not sure which one) and seeing as the heart rules all, well, you know ...it says what heart attack symptoms feel like and instruct "one" or "you" to immediately phone 911, following up with an aspirin to thin the blood so it may freely flow whilst waiting for paramedics... so, i phoned up a good friend and asked for a bottle of pinot, i dont have aspirin.

everyday

2009-10-07T23:59:00Z

you learn something new everyday, thats what "you" always heard in school from teachers, moms, and dads alike....

well, its true...everyday whether or not you realize it, you do learn something new.

today, i realized, my delicious pomegranate is also called, an indian apple.

yay for new things!!!